Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I’ve not forgotten you!!

I’m sorry it’s been a while since my last post, I’ve been very busy these past few weeks.

Last week I finished my third and last round of chemo for now and I’ll be honest and say it totally and utterly floored me. Worse than the other two rounds of chemo. I was totally wiped out for three days as in I don’t remember them because I was asleep for three days. Yup you heard that right THREE WHOLE DAYS!! It really did take it’s toll on me and it took about two weeks for me to feel right again.

My chemo tablets ended last week and even they have had a go at me in a sense, my hands and feet are incredibly sore, like a sunburn kind of sore and very dry and flaky too, I’ve had to ask for help on opening bottles and lids because it hurts my fingers and my dexterity has dropped too, I find it hard to pick up coins from a table for example. It’s been a bit of a learning curve for me and a bit of an experience asking for help from others because I’m a very independent person and I’ve had to lower my pride and ask for people to help me at times.

I had my CT scan last week which will hopefully determine if I’m operable or not but it was a complete disaster because they couldn’t find a vein to put a cannula in for the high resolution dye they use for the scans and believe me they tried!! 
They tried a total of eight times to get a needle into me including once on my foot!! 
Three of the times they tried it resulted in my vein collapsing which basically meant that I bled a lot from that insertion point so a nurse had to compress that area for what seemed like ages and to say it stung is an understatement!! I’m now covered in bruises on various points over my arms and hands but on the plus side they don’t hurt anymore.
I don’t in any way blame the doctor that was trying to find my veins, my veins are notoriously bad to get a hold of and he was trying his best – it wasn’t a great experience for me but in the grand scheme of things it was nothing.

My main worries about this is that because they did the scan plain i.e. with no dye they won’t get as good a picture as they would have liked to have gotten so I worry that they won’t be able to make the decision of whether I’m operable or not with it and I’m sure you understand that it’s a pretty important thing in my life right now!!

My other concern is that they are going to have to find a vein for me to have my operation (if I’m declared operable) and what happens if they can’t? I’m not sure if they have other ways of putting people under but it worries me that at 27 my veins are next to none existent!! What happens when I’m a little old lady and need a blood test, operation etc when veins are expected to be hard to find?!

I should get my results in the New Year regarding operability – it’s my biggest Christmas wish right now and everything else pales into insignificance.

Apart from all that I’ve been having plenty of ‘Cancer Free’ days I’ve spent time with friends and family and I’ve been trying to work as much as possible to give me a decent amount of money to see me through being off work after my operation.

My boyfriend, Paul and I also bought our first home together, a flat in Glasgow and we moved in at the weekend – that was an event in itself because the flat is three floors up with no lift so I spent most of the weekend hauling boxes up three flights of stairs!! 

We have absolutely nothing in the flat at the moment, we are sleeping on a mattress on the floor and are sitting on deck chairs in the living room but I already love it! I love being able to see Paul every evening and, having only lived in rented accommodation up until this point, I love that we can change anything we want and really put our own stamp on the place.

We have ordered most of the main pieces of furniture but due to it being Christmas we might not get some of it until January. It’s amazing how these things don’t bother me any more though I’m not sure if it’s due to the cancer or because it’s simply our place and things will fall into place in their own time.

Other than that life is pretty good, I’m getting a bit of my hair back already, its more of a fuzz than its been in a while and I’m feeling pretty great in terms of my energy and health – I keep saying to everyone who asks, apart from the fact I know I’ve got cancer, I feel great!! 

I’m going to start jogging again soon to try and keep my fitness up before my operation (I’m totally believing that I’m operable) but on the plus side of my having chemo and the fact that I’m going to lose a lot of weight after my operation, I’m eating whatever I like and not really putting on weight!! 
I’ve put on five pounds since starting chemo which has been actively encouraged by my doctors and I’m enjoying being able to eat solid foods and go out to restaurants and not have to wonder where the toilets are or what on the menu I can eat!!

I’m actually looking forward to Christmas dinner, it’s one of my favourite meals of the year and I’m very glad I’ll be able to taste and chew it all rather than being served mashed potatoes and gravy like I had to eat before!! Don’t get me wrong I love mashed potato and gravy but when you’re surrounded by people eating a full Sunday roast dinner (my favourite meal) it breaks your heart a little bit!!

Anyway, I’m sorry for not being around much – I’m still here, still fighting and still enjoying every bit of life that I’m living because I’ve realised more than ever that it’s all precious.